I had tried everything to fill the emptiness in my life - alcohol, drugs, relationships. I didn't want to live and I didn't want to die. My life was a complete and utter mess - until I met Jesus.
My name is Sara Bryans and I am 27. I gave my life back to Jesus when I was 21. I was brought up in a Christian home, going to Sunday School each week, and asked Jesus into my life when I was very young. Despite this, I turned away from God when I was 15 and put my family through absolute hell which is something I really regret. I rebelled in school, and was always getting into trouble, even coming into school so drunk that I had to be sent home. I never knew what I wanted to do with my life. I never really had any ambition. (Now that I am a Christian, I now that my purpose in life is to work for Jesus, and that is what I want to do with all my heart.)
At 16 years old, I was drinking nearly every week-end. I never knew when to stop. I drunk so much one night that my Dad had to pick me up off the street where my boyfriend had left me after phoning for him to collect me. I came across as a moody, obnoxious, rebellious teenager. In reality I was really unhappy, and insecure. I really broke my parent's hearts. When I was 19 I tried drugs. I started off by taking 1/2 an E-Tab. I split one with my friend. I loved it! After that night we planned the next one, and gradually I got hooked. It wasn't that I was waking up in the morning and couldn't function without drugs. I found life so stressful, that just knowing that I was going to get off my face at the weekend got me through.
....Lots of drink, ecstasy, wraps of speed and coming down with some dope
Eventually a good night for me was a lot of drink, ecstasy, wraps of speed and coming down with some dope. - The more drugs I took the worse my life got. They really mess your head up. I became paranoid, depressed and forgetful. But through this time I managed to hide what I was going through. I gave everyone the impression that I was the life and soul of the party. In reality, it was a really lonely time. I was spending so much energy pretending to be a different person, that life was exhausting! I was living on my adrenaline. My only escape was to get so wasted that I could forget who I really was. The drink and drugs enabled me to be someone else other that Sara Biyans - a person who I really hated. I couldn't even bear to say my name out loud as I hated it so much.
taking 1/2 an E-Tab
Life sober was so hard. I developed many fears and phobias, the worst one being a fear of blushing. In a desperate search for inner peace I tried many different things with no success. I went to hypnotists, spent £500.00 on stress management counselling, went to my doctor who referred me for psychiatric counselling and put me on Prozac, and was about to enrol for a course of transcendental meditation when God began to reveal himself to me. Basically my life was a complete mess. I didn't want to live and I didn't want to die. I was searching, and didn't realise that I had turned my back on the answer many years before.
I had always had a fear of death
In January 1997, I began to think about God again, and it is really hard to explain, but I just knew that I had to get right with God. I knew that my life was not right, and if I did not change I might not get another chance. I had always had a fear of death. I knew the consequences of dying without accepting what Jesus had done on the cross, but I had pushed it to the back of my mind. All of a sudden these thoughts were in my mind again.
Life without drink
I cannot say that there was a specific time and place where I gave my life back to God only that it was in early 1997. When I made the decision, things initially got worse. All of a sudden I had to cope with life without drink as my support. (I had already managed to quit the drugs thanks to a really supportive boyfriend - but I just became all the more dependant on alcohol). This was hard, as no-one knew the real Sara. The group of friends that I went about with - all we did was go out and party. They did not really know me sober! Gradually God helped me through some really dark times. It has not been easy - life as a Christian is not easy, but gradually God has healed me, and is still healing me. I can truthfully say that I think I would have been dead if God had not come into my life. Thanks to God, I have not been drunk since I came back to Him. He has replaced the drink as my support. I just knew that I could not drink any more, because of the way I had abused it in my past.
...really dark times
God has really blessed me in that I can do things now that I never could have imagined doing. I help out in my church with children. One of the fears I mentioned earlier was of children. I was terrified of them! I now love working with them, and had the privilege of going to Africa as part of a team to work in a school there. The blessings are far to numerous to mention. I also have a really good relationship with my family now, which is brilliant. God is so good!
...So much emotional pain...
What God has been really speaking to me about is that he is the God of relationship. He wants us to spend time to get to know him and not always to be looking for him to do things for us. In the past I was in so much emotional pain, that I just wanted Him to take it away, but the most important thing to God is our relationship with Him. That is the only thing that matters. It has been a process. God has been so faithful, and has never let me down even though I have let him down. It has been brilliant having Jesus. He is always there, guiding and I don't know how I managed for so long in my life without him. We were created to live in relationship with God. I believe that, until we find that relationship, there will always be something missing in our lives. I can truly testify to this.
...Are you fulfilled living the way you are?
It says in the Bible that Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, and I have to say that this is so true. When Jesus died on the cross for our sin He had you and I on His heart. Isn't that so amazing? I would ask you if you are reading this to simply ask yourself, are you fulfilled living the way you are.
Jesus loves you, and is waiting for you to ask Him into your life. Remember He is only a prayer away.
Hello! Here I am 4 years later, and I am still in Canada!
I graduated from Bible College in June last year, and stayed with friends on their chicken farm near Toronto for 6 months. At the beginning of this year, I moved to Stratford, Ontario where I am doing an internship with a church for a year.
The internship involves lots of different things, but the main emphasis behind everything is summed up in their motto - ‘to love God and love people, first in Stratford and then to the ends of the earth.'
This has really been the foundation message throughout Bible College, and now in Stratford.
The past 4 years have been a journey for me, a journey of healing and God restoring me to the person who He intended me to be.
For the future - all I want is more of Jesus.
‘Yes, I count everything as loss compared to knowing Christ Jesus my Lord and becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him [of understanding Him more fully and clearly].........' Philippians 3:8
He has a plan for my life, He has a plan for your life. I am trusting Him every step of the way. Will you trust your life into His hands? He knows you better than anyone, He made you! Sincerely ask Him to reveal Himself to you and He will..........